“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked me one of his employees. “Yes, sir” the clerk replied. “That’s good,” the boss said. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.” – Anon 

“If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I’ll never speak to him again.”

“At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there I carry on as usual.” – Patrick Moore

Old people at weddings always poke me and say “You’re next”. So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. – Anon

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy. – Jerry Seinfeld